My Husband, My Partner, My Best Friend

Patience in a Marriage

Part 4

Today we are in a technology advanced world. Everybody wants instant gratification. Things have to go fast or else we waste lots of time and energy.

Some married couples treat marriage this way too. The lack of patience is the number one reason for killing the joy in a marriage.

It is not easy to live with your spouse who comes from a whole different set of background including gender difference. It is expected that during daily communication, one can loose patience which cause misunderstanding and conflicts.

Our marriage did not become what it is today in an instant. We had to work hard toward what we have today. When we first got married, we both lacked patience. My husband wanted explanations for everything I do, while I wanted some freedom in creating my own space. The result of many of our conflicts resulted in a "control issue." He wanted to "control" and manifested his dominance through anger and temper. I reacted by making cutting remarks that really hurt his male ego. Well, you know, the result is there is no peace in our communication. Even though we are communicating, we didn't get anything resolved. After two years of rough rides, we seem to go nowhere. We sought out marriage books, counseling, and many friendly advices, but to no avail until we started to grow in our faith. We realized we can't change ourselves alone, we needed help.

Here are the steps we took for growing patience in our marriage:

1. We need help. We need a higher power whom we both can trust and walk with in our daily weaknesses. We admit to each other we are weak. We both make mistakes.

2. When conflicts arise and we want control, we keep quiet or bite our tongues. Especially for ladies, we tend to be quick in our tongue and may regret later when we are more rational. We need a cooling period and speak softly and more wisely when we use our rational thinking instead of through emotions.

3. Be thankful. Don't be picky. There are good traits of our spouses that attracted us to them in the first place. Being thankful can bring joy instead of anger.

4. Don't give up. If we have a spouse that is angry most of the time, don't take his/her anger personally. React less and walk away. It takes two people to a fight or dual. Someone had said "patience is the antidote to anger."

5. Change our thinking. Everyone has patience. You have it too. The difference is one has the knowledge of the patience, but another has learned to use it.

6. Live one day at a time. We all have problems we live with each day. About two thousand years ago, this passage was told to us by a famous teacher, he said:

"Don't worry about everyday life-whether you have enough food, drink, and clothes. Doesn't life consist of more than food and clothing? Look at the birds, they don't need to plant or harvest or put food in barns because your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than they are. Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not....So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."

Have you heard this saying? "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift, that's why it's called the present!" I am glad I am living in the present. I enjoy the presence of my husband every day. Since we found out about his liver cancer, we have learned to enjoy each other daily. We tell each other how much we love each other. I know yesterday I have memories, but they are history. Tomorrow I don't know what that will bring. Will my husband be cured of his cancer? That is certainly a mystery to us. But we have today to live for. It is a wonderful present to know that I can still look at his smile, laugh at his jokes, and hear his voice. I don't take any day for granted.

Do spend time, quality time with your spouse. Don't take anything for granted. May you all have patience in you that can enable you to be a pleasant person to live with until you grow white hairs together!

Seek the virtue of patience and you'll never regret you did!

Dr. Jane C. Pan

panedu@bellsouth.net