My Husband, My Partner, My Best Friend

Part 2

Joy In a Marriage

Did you know that a married man is significantly more satisfied with his life when his wife becomes more satisfied with hers? Joy in a spouse is a positive impact, it can offset any problem the couple may have. Studies have been done which show that joy in a marriage can trump problems such as financial burdens, unemployment, hospital stays, and other pertinent health issues.

As I reflect on our marriage, I found out that even with my husband's illness, we are influencing each other to live positively. We laugh together often. I remembered how hilarious and a prankster my husband can be. One time he told me he found a gift on a street. It was a small gift box, but crushed and dirty. He said he couldn't find the rightful owner, so he might as well give it to me. I opened it and found a pair of opal earring. Several months later, I told him I had lost one of the pair. He was silent for a while, then he blurred out, "I bought that for you!" We laughed and laughed on how he deserved his own cunning story of "crying wolf."

A joyous marriage takes hard work. The fun, joy, and satisfaction of a strong marriage come from intentional time and attention you spend. Following are some of the techniques you can use to help make your marriage a joyous one:

• Make your spouse your priority. Your children should come next. After all you will spend the rest of your life with your spouse and not with your children. For example, treat your spouse with respect, politeness, and the way you treat your friend or the way you want a friend to treat you.

• Support your spouse in doing things his or her way, even though you don't agree and have said so.

• Avoid using the "red light words or extreme phrases" such as "You always..., You never...

• Instead use "I...." or non-threatening words such as "I felt hurt.....I understand.....I may be angry..... The words "you....," are command words and often make your spouse defensive. The words "I...," are request words, they puts your spouse in an attention mode, and give your spouse a time to listen.

• Don't use anger as a form of communication. If you do, you will go nowhere and anger begets anger.

• Cultivate gratitude by spending quality time with your spouse. Say things like "I thank you....I love the way you.....I appreciate you....."

• Learn to be patient with your spouse. Don't nag and bring up old wounds.

• Learn to laugh everyday with your spouse over little things as well as big things.

I love my husband and find tremendous joy in our relationship even with faults and all. You can too, if you are committed to each other and work on your marriage!

Dr. Jane C. Pan

Panedu@bellsouth.net